Dear Loser Letter: My First Loser Letter: Dear Vintage Car Driver

I read these Dear Loser Letters over at A Sense Of Humor Is Essential and they are always hysterical and creatively written. Martha likes to make a negative thing funny so she writes Loser Letters to people that piss her off in life and then posts them. I think it's brilliantly therapeutic. I never have enough time and quiet to write a few at a time like she does but I did think of one that I thought was pretty good. Maybe you can relate? Here goes:

Dear Vintage Car Driver,

I understand your love for owning a vintage car. It really looks like you put some work and money into fixing up your retro auto. I also understand that you like attention on the road so you drive around your vintage car so that the whole world can see a car of yesterday that looks like it just came off the assembly line. I also understand that this was quite possibly the car that you wanted way back when you were in high school and never had back then. It's very impressive. I can also appreciate many things vintage (cars, houses, furniture, etc.) because they are from a time gone by and life gets very boring with everyone having the same new things these days. You have definitely made my day more interesting by driving your vintage car on the same road as me. Thank you.

What I do have a problem with is not the car itself, or the job you did to make it beautiful and rumble down the street, (but you could take the revving down a few notches pal). What I do have a problem with is that you seem to have forgotten to update the exhaust system. Now that I got near you without the recirculate button pressed on my heat/ac, my car has filled up with unfiltered car exhaust! You know that it's 2010? Maybe in the 70's (or whatever year your car is originally from) there were no laws about air pollution and perhaps it was not mandatory in all 50 states to have an appropriate exhaust system on your car. That was then, this is now. That is why most people like new cars, they are cleaner and run cleaner than cars like yours from "The Good Ole' Days." Now my baby and my 3 year old and I have to breathe in your leaded gas fumes as well as your unfiltered car exhaust. This is very unhealthy for anyone to breathe, not to mention the other hundreds or thousands of cars and drivers that you will pass as you drive this car.

Basically we are in a no win situation here. I have to go the same direction as you . . . . . for a real reason. Like I have to get groceries or take a child to the doctor, etc. I'm not just out cruising like you. So my car is filled up with stinky polluted air but I pressed the recirculate button so no more exhaust will come into my vehicle or our lungs. But I tried to open my window and then what did I get, more stinky polluted air. So we are trapped in here with all the windows rolled up with no choice but to breathe your car's pollution. So I (as well as numerous other drivers) have become prisoners of your vintage car, as well as your selfishness. I can stop looking at it or even change lanes but there is still the toxic exhaust that's already in my car and in our lungs, PLUS I get to hear your stupid engine revving at every stop light. ALSO, perhaps that song that you have cranked loud enough so you can hear it over your engine revving was your favorite so long ago when you were in high school? It wasn't mine though, and I'm sure I can speak for all the other drivers who are also closing their windows and rolling their eyes too. No amount of cranking Elmo will help at this point so we don't have to hear "More Than A Feeling." Which WAS actually a song I used to like.

I believe that you must want to torture everyone. As I tried to speed up a little at the last light to get a little bit ahead of you to get ahead of the fumes and the tunes and the revving, you thought I wanted to race you and so you sped up too. Maybe this is a fun daily activity for you but not for me. I just want to get away from your car. I am both lightheaded and have a headache. Thank you Lord, my street. Finally. Good bye Mr. Vintage Car Driver.

Signed,
A Way-Too-Considerate Mommy